you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
