wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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