So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
