I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
