I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
