just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
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