i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
