This is not my ceiling
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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