....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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