maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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