I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
