i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
