she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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