I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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