dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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