3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
