they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
