Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
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Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
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Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You are the jesus of drinking
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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