my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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