she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
