If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sober January is a disaster.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
