Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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