It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
