Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We got so high we made milksteak
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
