listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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