Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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