Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
