"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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