My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
