I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
