last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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