nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
