My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
