All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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