I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
