How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
