Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
