i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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