textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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