you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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