If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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