And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative