were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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