And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
