Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
