He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
