So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
