I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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