i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
