I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
