So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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