textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
