I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He better not be in your backpack
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
