just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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