put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
