Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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