Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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