I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
