why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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