he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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