the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
