there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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