I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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